Saturday, July 16, 2005

The Foul-mouthed Gourmet presents: How to make real fucking popcorn

This is normally a PG-rated blog, but with this series of posts I'm kickin' it up a notch. It'll be just like Good Eats, but with more swearing. Well eat like kings, damn hell ass kings.

Today's recipe: popcorn. Not that spoiled-brat microwave stuff, with ten kinds of partially hydrogenated bullshit. Real greasy-ass popcorn like mother used to make, with real butter.


- Popcorn kernels. It really doesn't matter what brand; store brands work as well as name brands.

- Oil. Doesn't matter what kind. Canola, peanut, whatever. But probably not olive, it burns away too fast and would probaby make the popcorn taste like shit.

(You real hardcore meat-freaks bastards could try to use bacon grease or the drippings from the last time you fried hamburgers. I've read that popcorn was in fact made that way before relatively recent times. Depends on if you want your popcorn to taste like meat or not, I guess.)

- Butter. Real-ass butter, the kind that comes from a cow.

Make sure you have a 4 quart or larger saucepan (what we used to just call a damn "pot" when I was growing up) that has a lid. If you don't have this, then your whole kitchen setup is fucked anyway.

How to do it:

1. Put enough oil into the pan to completely cover the bottom of it, to about the depth of a popcorn kernel.

2. Put the pan on the stove and turn the heat all the way up, and leave it there. No wussing out and turn it down. That's the trick that the instructions on your bag of popcorn probably don't tell you.

3. Put in one or two test kernels.

4. Wait. While waiting, go ahead and break off about half an inch from a stick of butter. Measure out anywhere from 1/2 to one cup of popcorn, too.

5. When the test kernels pop, throw in the rest of the popcorn and throw the butter in there with it. Put the lid on. Do all this really fast.

6. Wait some more. That shit should start to pop pretty fast. If it starts to slow down, give it a shake. However, people really overestimate how much you need to shake popcorn. There is really no justification for those specialized popcorn pans with the damn crank that you turn to shake it up for you.

7. When it stops popping and shaking won't wake it up anymore, take it off the heat NOW before it burns. Seconds count.

8. Pour it into a bigass bowl and put salt on it.

9. Eat it and drink a lot of beer.